I'm trying very hard to convince myself that this quasi-dissociative state in which I seem to be floating through my day so far is due not to my all but total lack of proper ADHD meds but rather the dayquil I took this morning or some cruelly lingering remnants of the cold for whose sake I took said dayquill.

I'd have hoped that though arguably feeble generic dexedrine would have been enough to take the edge off my apparently severe ADHD-Inattentive type, however it quite apparently isn't--and we'll get to why that should have been obvious in a moment. For you see ADHD-Inattentive type is a fun(ny) variant on what you may normally expect from ADHD; I like describing it like having a ceaseless, incessant swarm of ideas assailing your brain, like some portion of the "H"--"hyperactivity"--usually associated with the disorder is in fact mental. Hyperactive brain. While that may sound all fine and dandy to some, think about this: With so much activity inside my head, how the hell am I supposed to pay attention to what's outside it? The answer: I largely can't, hence "inattentive type". I honestly can't remember most of my childhood, I was off in my own fuzzy lil world of fascination & intrinsic intrigue while things happened. My dad's worse than I, I'm sure; my mom has stories of her talking to him about something and his getting some funny look on his face as he stares off into space, humming more likely than not, and her saying "...and then the purple polka-dotted elephants finally agreed to come down from the ceiling. Now whaddya think of that?" and his grumbling amiably but distractedly (if he heard her at all...) "mhm, mhm, polka-dots! mmmhm!" and humming carried on in his own little bubble of goofiness.

Now where was I? Oh! So, class. Sorry, I got caught up in a Passacaglia (& Fugue) by Bach--by the grace of whom alone I'm keeping my eagerly wandering mind held together--for a moment there. Anyway, I followed along the discussion well enough, I guess, certainly well enough considering I hadn't actually read the short story, but whatever. But it wasn't like sitting there and listening. By the end--by the time my patience/focus was really being strained--it was more like...floating. Like there was a somewhat echoey layer of fuzz separating me, an observer, from the goings-on around me. I kept getting caught up in reading the story, re-reading even the bits I had read, and then remembering where I was and that I really did want to jot down interesting notions, phrases from the discussion, for it really was interesting stuff, but also a really interesting story...and off I'd go again, fuzzing out.

I mean for fuckssakes, I just skimmed over the entire Tocatta & Fugue in d minor without even hearing a note of it, I swear. And I really like this recording, like it's the one that I fell in love with. But here I am, writing away, fuzzed out all but entirely, and the music just plays. Oh well.

So why's this all so bothersome today? Well, as I indicated early on, I'm on a mere pill of dexedrine (actually, I think it's something more generic--just "amphetamine", take one twice daily and I've only had the one this morning). This is because my Vyvanse has run out; even on my meds I'm too forgetful to call in to my shrink to write up another prescription until the very day I run out.... And that's only half the problem. See, the guy I'm "seeing" has major ethical qualms, apparently, writing my Vyvanse prescription. "It's just about double the recommended maximum dose, Chris," he grumbles at me. No it isn't, I futiley try to assure myself, the recommended maximum is, like, only 70mg. 100mg isn't twice 70mg! Hah!

...

See, I went off Strattera with my previous shrink. I'd been on a pretty high dosage of Adderal, I think, as well as prescribed Strattera. It's an ironic ode to my generalized oblivion that I cannot recount for you any of the explanations for going on that medication, though I'm sure they were made, my mother vaguely recalls them; my hindsight guess is that I was already at such a high dosage of adderal but needed something else, something more, so instead of adding more adderal we added a different medication, hoping to maybe attack the ADHD from more than one front. (Pity it actually ended up sedating me horribly, because that doesn't sound like an entirely unreasonable attempt....) After I was off the Strattera, Steg put me on vyvanse, partly because his feeling was the reason a lot of people are put on Strattera is it's longer acting, thereby extending the range of coverage. Also, Vyvanse works at a pretty consistent, stable level for around 12 or even 13 hours, which is rocking; it's basically Adderall strapped onto a protein chain that's sheared off by your digestive system, thereby releasing the medicine at a remarkably constant rate. Anyway, there's a rough conversion of dosage--that protein adds a lot of molecular weight, of course, a little more than double the dose, in the end. So I went from 30mg of Adderall to 60mg of Vyvanse. But it wasn't enough. So we egdged it up to 75 or something. Still wasn't enough. We continued to edge it up. 80. 90. 100. Finally, it felt about right. So you can see why one lil dexedrine pill or whatever it is was a pale shelter by comparison.

Lawsey, save me now.

But now this guy, this new guy, gets all flustery and ethical on my ADHD ass. Pussy. Dude, we tried it normal & proper & ethical. I get your difficulty, but you gotta understand mine. I'm a mess. I can't even write a proper, coherent blog post with only a feeble lil pill to back me up. And lord knows I should check my emails, but I won't remember to. And Lord knows I should really plot out my assignments' deadlines & such, but I won't remember to. I'll be lucky to skim that chapter for Abnormal Psychology for today. Seriously. I've been on this dosage for over a year and have yet to die; how about we just prescribe me my meds and then worry about dosages and ethics. For fuckssakes, I'm trying to pass school, here, and hold my life together. It's hard enough even with my meds in order. \

And right now it's been about four solid days since I last had any Vyvanse in me. It's goooone, boy. It's loooong gone.

You know something? I think part of the "fuzz" earlier was due to the dayquil, even though I only took the one geltab. Still, I'm having a hell of a time keeping my mind in place or aware of such foolish things as time, location, purpose, direction, or plans. However, I am hungry, and that gloooorious Prelude & Fugue in a minor that I love so much just came on the ipod...I think it's time I go get shit done and have a threesome with Bach & E. Power Biggs.

One last note: I find it funny that it's when I'm not taking my meds that uncapitalizing the pronoun 'I' really bugs me. Everytime I see I've forgotten to capitalize has stood out, whether or not I've done anything to correct it is less the point but it's bugged me worse than usual. Heh.

Oh! Btw! I stole the title for this post from a really great story I had to read for class last week by Joyce Carol Oates. Fucking Epic. And gooood. It's funny cuz here I'm using the phrase as one might expect, and how I thought she meant it up until the very end of the story. Glorious.